ne plus ultra, rambling

For some reason I really didn’t think I’d see the first snowfall this year, but I was wrong.

Friday night I spent the night playing poker with some friends and when I left to go home in the morning, I had to brush the snow off my car and the roads were slippery.  AND THE SNOW STAYED.  Usually the first snowfall melts as soon as the sun comes up (or at least shortly thereafter).

And I am not complaining, I love the snow.

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It’s been a full weekend.  After a long week.  I hung out with one group of friends Friday night, had a bonfire with other friends last night, and stopped at a LAN party on my way home to drop off food and say hi to other people.

It’s weird for me.  I’m basically just going to disappear for a few months.

I’m just trying to clean the house, get everything ready to be left alone, make all my doctor appts, and think about it as little as possible.  Or maybe I’m so calm about it because I know how much it’s going to help me…I know I’m going to be okay.

At any rate, yay for only one more week of work.  I’m already exhausted and this week hasn’t even begun.  I just need to make it through this week.

And on that note, I’m going to bed.

It’s 4am, I’m writing.  I’m not sure why, but here I am.

Work is work.  The bullshit that’s been going on has been pretty unbelieveable, but I haven’t really done much about it.  I’ve been advised to sue, that I should sue, but I like my job, I want to keep it.  And at the same time it’s hard to believe all this bs will really continue, so I’m just kinda waiting and seeing.  I have another trainee right now.  I think by next week he’ll be on his own.  Then, for the first time since I think I started almost 5 years ago we’ll be fully staffed….something will have to happen, we never stay full-staffed.  Does anyone?  The new guy is a good fit though, with the rest of us, so hopefully he’ll stick around a while.

I’ve been doing a lot with my photography.  I had a piece in a coffee shop in January, now I’m a part of a show in a tattoo shop.  This weekend I’m taking part in a modeling/photography charity event (fashionforwardcharity.com).  I modelled.  And I did pictures of models.  Not the most organized project, but I’ve been learning a lot.  And it’s for a local women’s shelter, so it’s for a good cause.  I’m thinking there’ll be a big turnout.  I’m pretty excited about it.

The tattoo shop opening I met a guy who killed his wife back in the 90’s and got away with it.  Fucked up.  You could tell something wasn’t right with him, but intriguing to talk to.  “This is the most I’ve said to anyone in 4-5 years.”  Given the opportunity I’d talk to him again.

I haven’t been the healthiest lately.  Go figure.  I still haven’t gained any weight since my last surgery last year.  I tried stopping the pancreatic enzymes for a couple weeks.  I wasn’t sure if they were really doing anything or not, I haven’t had any follow up visits or anything.  So, experimentation!  After two weeks my pancreas has hurt for a week.  So…yeah.  That was fun.  Then I fell on the ice outside of work.  I put a hole in the knee of my $160 jeans.  And my knee.  And I bled all the way home.  And it’s black and blue.  And I’m supposed to do this modeling thing on Saturday.  My dress is short.

Let’s make this the longest post EVER.

Last Sunday I went to my dad’s house cause the whole family thought he might be dead.  Or that he could’ve killed himself.  At least that’s what we were led to believe.  So I ended up being the one to drive there, to call the cops to get into his building, to talk to the neighbors.  I’m so fucking sick of being the responsible one.  The adult.  When all is said and clear, in my opinion, it sounds more like my parents fucking with each other.  According to my dad his cell phone just didn’t work for a day.  My therapist thinks I need to set boundaries with both of them so I’m not dragged into the middle of all this bullshit again.  I can’t deal with.  It hurts.  I was scared shitless.  When I was 17 I got the call of “your sister OD’d and might not make it through the night”.  I deal with people finding their loved ones dead all the time.  This is way too real to me to have people just fucking around with each other about.  I could go the rest of my life without hearing the words “Your mom/dad did this….so I’m going to…”  My therapist says I need to.

My insomnia is horrible again.  I’m on more meds.  They don’t help.  It’s probably all the crap going on.  The strongest does of lunesta they can prescribe and a sedative.  lol.  They’re supposed to interact and should knock out a horse for 8 hours.  I start waking up after about 2.5-3.  Lucky me.

I forgot my sister’s birthday last week and I feel horrible about it.  Especially since she’s made an effort to make my last two show openings.  I’m not sure what to do, so I haven’t done anything, even though I’m sure that’s not the right answer.  I’ve just been caught up in everything else.

Andrew and I got Guitar Hero World Tour.  I kick ass at the drums.  They’re my favorite part.  I still like guitar/bass, I’ve just always wanted to play the drums, and this is like, my chance.  heh.  It’s fun.

I don’t feel like writing.  I might write about shit I’m not supposed to.

I don’t really know why I have a blog anymore.

I keep going through this.  Keep it or not, keep it or not.

I can’t talk about the things I want/need to anyways.

Maybe it’s time to start over somewhere else.

Hmm…where to start.  It’s been a while since I posted.

The County has rules about using work stuff for personal use, and that’s being used as why I can’t blog from a work computer.  I’m not getting written up for it though, so that’s a plus.  I’ve never tried to hide my blog, everyone has always known about it; and to a part I’ve censored myself because of that (right or wrong).  They mentioned ethics and morals and confidentiality, when I was sitting in the office, and I don’t feel I’ve crossed any boundaries….where, and if, they feel I have I can tone it down.

At any rate, more of the brass now know about my blog.  And I thought everyone in this building knew about it.

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Pictures!  I don’t know if I mentioned it or not, but the Duluth Photographers Guild is having a group show at Beaner’s that opens Jan. 1st.  I’m going to have a piece in the show!  I’m super excited.  It’s the first time I’ll have a piece in a public show.  (Look at me doing stuff with my photography!)

As for the modeling (have I mentioned I’m going to model?) and fashion photo shooting, that’s still in the works.  The show is March 7th at the Great Lakes Aquarium (they have this huge wall of water and open area when you first walk in, and a gallery area, it’ll be a great area for us), so there’s still three months to do pictures for that.  I’ll be sure to post when we start selling tickets ; )

This past Mon-Wed mornings people from the DPG met for three sunrises/sunsets.  Since I get off work at 6 am I made it to all three sunrises.  Pretty sure I slept through the sunsets.  lol.  Shooting the sunrise is one of my favorite things to do.  The only sucky part is freezing all by yourself.  There was 4-6 of us out each morning though, and that was awesome.  There was some Bailey’s involved, and someone ended up naked.  What can I say?

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Friday Andrew’s family had Thanksgiving II, Amanda’s Dinner.  That’s right, I got my own dinner.  I had to work Thursday, so they made pot-roast for me on Friday.  We hung out for a while, had margaritas (had to test out the pancreas), went to the bar, were dancing, and right as we were going to go to the strip club, the birthday girl’s bf ditched us.  Seriously.  What kind of a douche ditches his gf on her birthday?  Apparently they got in an argument or something, and even though he lives no where close, he just took off walking, no jacket, in the freezing cold, without telling anyone.  Que search party.  We found him eventually but, go figure, it kinda killed the mood.  We played Rock Band to drown out the arguing.  We all felt bad for the gf.

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Next weekend is shopping/family bonding weekend.  All of the aunts and girl cousins (Andrew’s dad’s side?) go shopping in the cities for a weekend.  There’s like a dozen of us.  It’s going to be fun.  I love shopping.

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Medically speaking I’ve been doing okay.  I’m getting some medications straightened out so I’m seeing my doctor every couple weeks.  I was having pain? on my right side, kinda just enough for my pancreas to be like, “hey!  I’m still here!”, close to every day.  Not really pain, more like a nudge.  Now I’m on a fibromyalgia medication and that has gone away completely.  It’s amazing, you know, just being pain free.

I think my pancreas is doing good.  The whole system isn’t quite working right, and I’m still not gaining weight, but I can eat and I’m not in pain (until I don’t shit for over a week, lol).  Other than that, I sleep almost every chance I get, and that’s generally a lot.  So!  That’s that.  Maybe I’m still dying, but at least it doesn’t hurt.  LOL.

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I watched What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? the other night.  Johnny Depp, Leonardo DiCaprio, Juliette Lewis.  It came out 15 years ago, but I just around to watching it.  It was really good.  If you haven’t seen it you should watch it.  I also caught the last 15 minutes of Pretty In Pink…I was trying to figure out where I knew the skinny little kid on the screen from…”Duckie” is Jon Cryer, now shares the lead on Two and an Half Men.  Pretty in Pink came out in 1986.  It is really weird.  I wouldn’t say watch the whole thing again, but watch like 15 minutes, then turn on your tv and watch Two and an Half Men.  It’s pretty funny.

I’ll try to  make a real post tomorrow…or later today since it’s 5am….

I’ve been posting from work lately.  I’ve been informed that’s against the rules.  It’s very relaxing and reflective to blog at 4am…even though it takes half the night to make a post….and it gives me something to do to keep from thinking about other things.

So with only being able to blog from home now and my recent inability to get my ass out of bed, posting may become even more sporadic.  And that’s all I need.

Your toilet overflowing is not an emergency.  Not matter how long you yell at me, I will not send any type of emergency worker.  Calling me bad words and hanging up on me will not get you anywhere, don’t bother calling back.

I did get a call from a 3 year old this week.  He let me know he was watching Bob the Builder.  Mom and Dad were in the other room watching tv.  Nope, no one was hurt.  He did not need the police.  He talked me for a while, letting me know you push the green button to talk and the red button when you’re done talking, then let me know he had to go because he was “wasting daddy’s minutes”.  It was thee most adorable thing I ever heard.  I told him he had to go tell daddy the police were on the phone.  When he went screaming across the house that the “poooooleeeease” were on the phone, Mommy was real embarassed.  It kinda made my week.

My training class was really good, as I expected it to be.  Handling Crisis Calls Effectively.  I like to take serious training classes for some reason.  I was mostly looking forward to Day 2 of this class; traffic/pursuits in the morning and suicidal callers and crisis negotiations in the afternoon.  A nice light second day.  lol. 

We drilled over the basics, listened to calls/radio traffic, and I met some good people.  And I got to shoot somebody.  Heh.  The AIS shoot/don’t shoot system.  They set it up in a dark room and you stand in front of a large screen, you have a couple big boxes set up for cover (if you need it), and you run a scenario.  You are the officer, call your dispatch, let them know what’s going on, yell at the people on the screen…and when/if they come after you with a knife like mine did, you shoot them.  Oh, and did I mention the AIS system can shoot back at you?  (Luckily they turned that part off for us.)

For the record, 1.32 seconds into the threat, or when the drunk with the knife raised it and started to come after me, I shot him directly in the middle of his chin and dropped his ass. 

After he drops you still have to radio dispatch and let them know what’s going on, etc…

Then!  Then, since it’s all recorded, you have to watch yourself.  How did you react?  What did you say?  Were you loud enough?  When did you raise the gun?  Did you have just cause?  How do you feel?  You just shot someone!  Why didn’t you move for cover?  Are you sure you did the right thing?  Was he really a threat?

Even in a completely controlled enviroment where I knew I was safe, it still made my heart beat faster and my adrenaline rush. 

They took us in the room two at a time.  The girl I was with seemed a little scared to be holding a gun.  She’s only been dispatching 6.5 weeks.  Her first scenario she had to draw her firearm, but not shoot.  The second, her guy ran at her with a knife.  She was not expecting it.  I think she closed her eyes and ducked and screamed.  Kinda shot with her eyes closed.  She missed him.  But he took up a third of the screen.  And the screen was the size of the wall.  lol.

It really made you seem like you were there.

Even with the Criminal Justice students they don’t let them run more than three scenarios because it’s too realistic.  So I tazed a guy, shot a guy, and had a drunk throw a beer can at me after trying to break into a building.  Then I listened to tapes of Columbine, the Crandon shootings (where a deputy killed 6 people and shot himself like 10 hours later), and some other light material.

Part of the class was on how to deal with these calls and the importance of debriefings and stress reduction, etc. 

It’s called the bar.  (Joking, of course…)

Yesterday was get caught up on tv day.  True Blood, House, Terminator; The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Jon and Kate plus Eight…

Then work.  Apparently it was be a bitch night at work.  I joined in the fun cause there’s only so much I can take over the air before it bites me in the ass too.

And I’m glad it’s my Friday.  I’d have a dead body this week.  Yesterday I had a guy taking his last breaths over the phone, literally (first responders revived him at least once before the ambulance got there), then tonight a have a mom watching her daughter turn blue, unable to breathe.  They come in threes.  Luckily I have the next two nights off.  Dispatchin’ Beaver picked up my shift tomorrow night; she’s swears revenge if she gets my dead body tomorrow.

I got to talk to my favorite drunk.  I haven’t talked to him in a while so I purposely let him ramble and tell what he thought were jokes.

It’s good to check in with the locals every now and again.

That Wii Fit, it can actually make you sore.  Who knew?

There has been lots of dice playing lately.  5-die 10,000.  Usually I’m pretty lucky…apparently I’ve lost my lucky horseshoe.  It’s pretty pathetic when people are about to go out, and I still can’t get on the board.  Oh well…It’s still fun to play.

So I’m at work right now, I have an eight hour turn around in the morning, and come back for eight more hours of fun tomorrow afternoon.  Even though I’ve been on this shift for a month, this is the first time I’ve actually had to work it.  I’ve always been recovering or been in the hospital…

Friday I’m coming back into work to check out our Mobile Command Post.  I took the Icident Command Dispatch class forever ago (okay, a year ago).  It was an awesome class that I would highly recommend.  BUT, coming back from it, I never saw or learned how to set up our mobile command post.  Tomorrow I get to see it.  Actually utilizing an ICD is another story altogether.  We’ll see if that ever happens.

After I get home Friday Andrew and I are going out of town for his cousin’s wedding.  We’ll be gone all weekend.  Again.  It seems like we’re never home on the weekends….and if we are we have people over.  Next weekend I’m going to WITC for high-risk or high-risk caller training.  Suicidal callers, hostage negotiations, pursuits, officer-downs, etc.  It uses the AIS shoot/don’t shoot system.  Sounds like it should be a good two-day class.  The weekend after, however, I think we might actually be home.

Anyone seen any good movies lately?